First off I'm not a writer and I'm terrible at grammar. So bugger off if you have an opinion about that.
I debate nearly everyday if I should release my mostly deep dark secret. A few family members may know or some people who interact with me can see the signs...
I battle Mental Illness. Specifically for the last 10 years of my life I have battled the ups and downs of depression and anxiety. It's affected my own life and my relationship of those I am close to. It ruins my relationships with others and also alienates me from others.
I struggle to keep a routine that provides me a happy mental status. I suffer from insomnia as my mind wanders around in multiple places of anxiousness. How I envy those who's eyes close as they drop there head on their pillow.
I'm not lazy or a slob. I physically can't get my brain to over power itself of the despair I feel each day. I struggle each morning to live. To get up and comb my hair to brush my teeth. To put on a smile and pretend to others so I don't fall under the stigma of mental illness.
But I don't want there to be this stigma. That stigma is what often causes me to stay silent. To stay in my bubble of mental illness while I push others away.
Therapy? Been there and done that. I've seen them all. Tried multiple types and people. Been graduated to move on or quit because it's to painful to keep going. Because I have to much anxiety to pick up the phone or send an email to go back. Medication? Been there too. Have tried and found success. Have tried and felt no change. Have quit midway because I'm to scared or haven't looked at other options.
So here I am living my life with mental illness. This is me this is who I am. My name is Allison I have depression and anxiety. For weeks I have been wanting to say something to release myself. Here I am in all my flaws but also all my character.
I can't cure my mental illness. I can only control it. It's my lifetime illness and my lifetime struggle. I can fight to be seen and fight to be heard. No longer be ignored! I have not been ignored by family but by institutions who don't recognize mental illness as a struggle of a lifetime. That just doesn't click off because I'm an adult.
I fear this illness is what will kill me. Not old age or cancer. I fear that after many years I won't fight the struggle anymore. That I will lose those around me as they struggle with the consequences of my illness. So I am here right now fighting my fear and fighting my struggle.